I am not supposed to have all these issues and problems...

I  am so conflicted with so many 1000s of things running through my mind. My "to do" list looks like the old-fashioned Sears catolog with as many different items on it.  I have several very dear friends, many right here in Lynchburg, who have health issues of a very serious nature and I can't do a thing for them. I want so badly to be able to help them as much as I can. My own health is fair except for the unpredictable and inexplicable fibromyalgia, but my bones, joints, mobility and endurance suck. I am anxious and worried ALL the time about everything that I SHOULD be doing, but can't.  I have 100s of good friends with whom I just want to share more real, quality time. I have a huge house that needs $1000s of dollars worth of remodeling done to it, weeks worth of deep cleaning and decluttering and a complete reorganization.  I take care of my 84 year old mother and she is needing more and more help every moment.  I have two stepsons who have issues from time to time that I want to not only be able to help, but I want to really help them both so much more in every way.   My poor, darling Jamey works 50+ hours a week and he is getting more and more worn out because he has to do all the things I can't do any more when he gets home from work and he takes care of me on top of all of this, God/ dess bless his soul for being the most wonderful and most overworked man in the world.  We have so many things that we want/need to do for ourselves, for our friends, for our communities and for the world if we- and especially I-only had better, flourishing  health, unlimited funds, tons more time and much better organization, not to mention the effective completion of all the tasks above.  And on top of this, I am having so much PAIN, I am having such limited mobility issues that I can hardly walk or even complete my Christmas shopping, wrapping, cooking, baking, and decorating..  I have never felt so useless and worthless in my life--NEVER!  And it is killing me as surely as it has already destroyed big chunks of my heart and soul.  I have no idea what to do, how to do any of these 1000s of things that MUST be completed.  Just not doing them is not an option.  I have tried to bribe my kids with offers of money if they would please help, but they both have  full time jobs and virtually no free time.  I have offered again and again to pay people to come to our home and make some extra money and complete some of these 1000s of tasks for us.  I have outside work and inside work that needs to be done.  Everything I own needs to be taken in by at least two sizes.  I  have two huge sets of stairs and things need to go up or down all day and I can barely drag myself up and down them twice a day.  I have Christmas decorating that hasn't been done in years because we just never have time.  NOT getting this stuff done is killing me, but I only have about 4 or sometimes fewer good hours in a day.  I try to get out of bed by noon.  I take pain killers and try to clean up the kitchen, bathroom and main floor of the house.  The pain killers always run out before I am done and I can only have 4 a day.  Do I work or sleep??I can't run the vacuum or cook because it kills my hips and my lower back and so we live in piles of dog and cat hair and eat pizza (gluten free for me) far too often.  No one wants to cook and I am in desperate need of large, healthy, old-fashioned, home cooked meals for my Mom since she needs to gain weight and for Jamey, Greg and Steve who are all working full-time with no time to cook.  I am on the opposite type of almost Paleo diet of grass fed meat, vegetables and salads with no grains, only berries allowed for fruit with coconut yogurt in the morning, no dairy, no sugar, no junk food of any kind.  A lot of times I can choose to cheat or just starve and not eat at all.   Many times I am in too much pain to make anything for myself, so Jamey will bring me a salad or something like that to eat.   Or we get pizza which is destroying my diet...  I am at my wit's end.  I need help, lots of help.  I am willing to pay for this help.  But it seems like no one is able to help and I am about to crack into the 1000 pieces of all my responsibilities that I cannot get done while I am in this bad of shape.  I have a total hip replacement scheduled for my left side for March 3, then in 6 months or so, I will have my right hip done, then my left knee, wait another six months and then my right knee, and after that I may need some surgery on my back... If I don't go crazy before then...

Things I am Looking Forward to

Here are some of the things I am looking forward to WHEN I reach my goal of 140 pounds, (140 pounds from now!) which is average for my height of 5'6":

1. Traveling to Ireland, Scotland, Brittany, the Isle of Man, and lots of other places, be able to backpack, walk miles all over the place and still have enough energy left over to write about it when I get back to my room or campsite
2. Having Jamey do a photo shoot of me as Brighid while in Ireland
3. Wearing shorts
4. Wearing clothes in "my style," not what is available in my size in the fat lady catalogs
5. Getting rid of my entire wardrobe and starting over again except for my absolute favorite outfits which I can get taken in!! 
6. Feeling joyous and alive in my body
7. Wearing pants again
8. Being comfortable in pictures even if I am not "picture perfect."
9. Being able to run again
10. Being able to walk again
11. Being able to climb steps again without breathing heavy
12. Being able to run up and down the steps to the upstairs, attic and basement and as a result, be able to live in my entire house not just one floor
13. Being able to remodel my house to be the way I want it to be without having to sacrifice things since I can't bend over or reach that far or climb up on that ladder or because I hurt too badly
14. Seeing old friends that I’ve been avoiding
15. Going to my next class reunion in 2013
16. Feeling more comfortable around people
17. Being able to go to amusement parks and actually ride rides
18. Feeling attractive again, having men flirt with me again
19. Go shopping at regular stores rather than fat lady catalogs
20. Feeling comfortable being in public again working, teaching, singing, dancing...
21. Actually be able to have a real job again or really make money working my company without being so exhausted I get sick at the end of the week/day
22. Getting Long Term Care life insurance (I’m always denied cause of my weight)
23. Going swimming again; going to the beach and actually wearing a bathing suit
24. Going bike-riding for the first time again since I was 15 and had that bike accident
25. Being able to go anywhere and not worry about breaking chairs or fitting in them
26. Feel like I am not a disappointment to Jamey, my family or my friends
27. Go to the movie theater again and once again fit into the seats
28. Do yoga
29. Go the Renn Faire again and wear a corset!!
30. Dance around the bonfire at festivals in sexy outfits
31. Wear tank-tops or strap-less tops
32. Wear cuter sandals and shoes
33. Being able to wear my hair down without it making me sweat so bad I can't stand it!
34. Post sexy pictures on facebook
35. Wear a two piece bathing suit
36. Take Bellydance lessons
37. Join a gym
38. Get really FIT!

Today is the First DAY of my new Healthy Living Plan!

I thought a picture of me and Mom from this past May would be appropriate here so you can see me and Mom.

I have (triumphant fanfare trumpet music) conquered the first dreaded and dreadful (to be honest) day of my "new me" plan and I am proud to report that I got weighed and found out that I only gained back 5 pounds of the 30 I lost earlier this year. I also made it through the day yesterday without eating any gluten or dairy and mostly sugar free--perhaps a bit in the few raisins and Craisins in the "healthy breakfast bread recipe" that I found. I even eliminated the evil non-dairy flavored coffee creamer that I am also addicted to and switched to coconut milk coffee creamer. I picked up one "organic" soy creamer and one coconut creamer in the vanilla flavor--I will let you know which one turns out to be the best. So far, the coconut isn't bad. It's not the white death of the liquid, flavored non-dairy coffee creamers, but it doesn't make me want to run and spit it out like the old "natural" creamers did. I made a wonderful breakfast bread that is gluten free cinnamon raisin and added a bunch more healthy things to it. It is awesome. I am a carb addict and I have to have at least one slice of bread every day or I crave it like crazy and end up binging on pizza or something even worse. Cutting back on all these things is pretty wonderful--for me and for my pride in being able to do it--even for one day! I feel a lot better today--just achy all over--not sharp pain anywhere so far. Considering the amount of pain I have been experiencing, this is a huge improvement. I also started drinking a Vitamin Water that is sweetened with Stevia. Eliminating all sodas and drinking flavored water since I can't drink plain water without choking--I'm not kidding--I'm serious--has helped a lot too. I really need to hysdrate more and since I can't do [plain water, I used to drink the Stevia sodas, but they are better than Dr. Pepper, but still sodas. I need to up the "water" intake any way I can. I am putting a more in depth post on my personal blog describing the diet and listing the supplements I am taking and the rest. I am also reading as much inspirational reading and working on getting the budget, the bills and my 2010 taxes finally completed so I am not hopelessly behind on every thing. Being unable to have more than about 5 hours of quality work time this last round of the wheel of the year has taken a huge toll on me in a lot of ways. The stress is terrible and I am just lucky to be able to get bathed and dressed to do things around the house. I confess that it has been a lot worse than I have let on and I am hoping that the progress I am making will inspire you ladies as well. I am hoping that my goody box of natural pain remedies arrives today so I can get started on that part of the plan as well. Well--I have rambled on here for quite a while and probably bored some of you to sleep, but I am so happy to be able to take these stesp--however small and I plan on working this plan until I go back to being the shining, happy, beautiful me that I love and some of you got a chance to know and love. If you would, PLEASE send me good energy to help me keep with the plan and if I do fall off the healthy living wagon--please send me patience so I don't let my overly critical Virgo self just give up if I slip up. This diet is not anything in particular--just stuff I like and striving toward dairy and gluten free with the allowance of active culture yogurt.

Monday

9AM-Peach Yogurt sweetened with Stevia

11AM-Mixed Green Salad, tomato, onion, red pepper, Goddess Dressing; Salmon scrambled eggs with onions, peppers, mushrooms and garlic

1PM-Strawberry/Banana/Peach Vanilla Protein Smoothie with Vanilla low fat soy milk

3PM-Cherry Vanilla Yogurt sweetened with Stevia

5PM-1 slice gluten free cinnamon raisin bread-no peanut butter

7PM-1 slice gluten free cinnamon raisin bread-with 1 T. sugar free peanut butter

Vitamin Zero Lemonade--2-20 oz.; Coffee sweetened with Stevia and Organic coconut milk creamer -2- 16 oz cups

Monday and Tuesday Supplements-1 multiple vitamin, 1-Citrical D;1-Mag-Ox; 2-Vit B-12-1000mg; 2-Vit. D-400 IU; 2-Zafirlukast for asthma; 1 20 mg Fluoxetine (Prozac) for depression; 1-15 mg blood pressure med; 1-Tumerica capsule; 1 Rhodiola energy capsule; 1-Super Thistlyn; 2 Omega-3 fish oils capsule-1000mg

Tuesday

9AM-2 thin slices of gluten free cinnamon raisin bread-with 1 T. sugar free peanut butter

11AM- 6 ounces-Strawberry/Banana/Peach Vanilla Protein Smoothie with Vanilla low fat soy milk

1 PM-Mixed Green Salad, tomato, onion, red pepper, Goddess Dressing; Salmon scrambled eggs with onions, peppers, mushrooms and garlic

3PM- Cherry Vanilla Yogurt sweetened with Stevia

What a Wet Happy Mabon!!

Good afternoon beautiful Queens!  What a dreary, rainy day!  Is it like this where you are???  It seems it has been like this since the Mabon Festival!  AND---it is supposed to be like this for another 4-5 days according to our weatherman.  Sure makes the post-festival let-down even more of a let-down...

HOW ARE YOU QUEENS DOING???

I am having ups and downs as I am weaning myself off Lyrica--which only worked well for THREE days--and Prozac--which I have been on about 10 years now and suddenly I am experiencing weird breakouts of my skin--all over--not just on my face--and more pains that I never had before which may be related.  I would like to see what it would be like to be med free, so I am working on weaning myself off a lot of things--not all at once--and really improving my diet and exercise--as in I am going to start one--LOL--regime.  Last pizza tonight and then a new way of eating starting this weekend--dairy free, gluten-free, sugar free, and mostly fresh fruits and veggies.  I try to stick to this all the time, but it has been lost over the last couple months, so it is time to buckle down again.

Has anyone had good results from any particular type of diet or eating and exercise regime?  Also--any good vitamin combinations for pain or depression or what have you?   I just ordered Zyflamend, Arnica ointment, more Arnica Monatana, Aquamin Sea Minerals, SAM-e and Tart Cherry Extract which are all supposed to be helpful for joint, fibromyalgia and arthritis pain along with the Turmeric and Vitamin D, Omega 3 Fish oils from cod liver oils and other good things I am already on. 

PLEASE feel free to post your experiences and inspiring articles and quotes as we go through the Wheel of the Year supporting each other on our journeys to Wholeness. 

Happy Mabon!
Paula

Branwenn's Crystal Visions: Energized after the wonderful Mountain Mysteries Mabon Festival

Branwenn's Crystal Visions: Energized after the wonderful Mountain Mysteries Mabon Festival

Energized after the wonderful Mountain Mysteries Mabon Festival

I always come back home after every festival energized and charged up to do so much more with my life.  This time, I am setting about cleaning my house--literally and figuratively--and de-junking in a big way.  Right now, I have two and one-half houses crammed into my already huge home filled with antiques and collectibles that resonate with who I am and my lifestyle.  I don't want to get rid of a single thing...but I must!  The overall weight of "stuff" is squashing my energy, my creativity and my inspiration in the same way that my body's overweight and less than ideal health is squashing my body, my health and my energy to create my life the way I want it to be.  Neither of these situations can continue.

I had the honor to teach a wonderful workshop this weekend at the Mountain Mysteries Mabon Festival about the idea of the new phase of the Goddess--the Queen--which slides into the big gap left between the Mother and the Crone.  These women were incredible!  They had been through it all and were still resilient, beautiful, intelligent, articulate, and just plain incredible.  I had the honor of working with them to educate them about the idea of the Queen and the idea that not all of us are ready to become Crones as soon as we hit menopause. We identified with one another on a Divine level and I saw a lot of head shaking of "YES!" when another sister mentioned something that was happening in her life.  

I made a commitment to transforming my poor health into PERFECT, VIBRANT HEALTH,  my "lack mentality" into PROSPERITY ENOUGH TO SHARE, and my chronic fatigue into ENERGY TO ACHIEVE MY WILDEST DREAMS.  We all made affirmations and raised up some incredible empowerment with our voices and my magick tambourine. I realized that the Goddess in me truly loved these beautiful Queens in all their beauty and even possibly more on the days that they aren't so beautiful. I chose a spiritual family to accompany me on my journey to Wholeness and offered an invitation to take the group which is about 20 wonderful women at this point along with me on this journey.  They can go with me and I will go with them.

It all reminds me of a wonderful song from the rock opera Godspell which I idolized in my youth called "By My Side?" It was one of my best friend's favorite songs and we sued to sing it going down the road together..good times..great memories..even though she and I are sadly no longer friends, why not make the good times happen again?

Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?
Far beyond where the horizon lies

Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness
Oh please, take me with you
Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I can dare myself
I'll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk (watch me walk)
I can walk

[CHORUS]
I can walk!

I shall call the pebble Dare
I shall call the pebble Dare
We will walk, we will talk together
We will talk

[CHORUS]
About walking Dare shall be carried

[CHORUS]
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing

[CHORUS]
"Meet your new road!"

Then I'll take your hand
Finally glad

[CHORUS]
Finally glad
That I am here
By your side (By my side)
  By your side (by my side)
By your side (by my side)
By your side (by my side)
By your side (by my side)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jykLTu9rg1U

.  . 

Let's Get Started...

"And the days go by....
like a strand in the wind
In the web that is my own...
I begin again..."

Well, I've not written a bit of what is rambling through my head these days. I have come so far with so little to show for it; yet, I have done so much more than many I know. A tapestry of projects rumbles through my mind and I skip from one thing to another doing four things at once (all badly), but making progress every day.

It is time for my inner Stevie Nicks to set sail under the wings of the white bird that lifts her. Stevie has been a metaphor for my life for so many years and as she get more beautiful and talented every year; so, I declare, shall I.

Four projects: possibly 365-one for each day of 2011... The first is the house of the Goddess, Brugh Na Bhride, as I grandly call the magnificent Goddess of a house in which I live. This is the magickal setting I envisioned in Branwenn's Crystal Visions... She has four floors, each to correspond with the new four phases of womanhood. She has herb gardens, flower gardens, vegetables gardens, magick gardens and "homes" many people at various stages of development--both positive and not so positive.

Then, there is the traveling Goddess, Travels With Branwenn, once flourishing, now almost forgotten in stationary time waiting for freedom to return and knowing that caring for my Mother who cared for me for 19 years, is a gift from the Goddess to help me understand the stages of womanhood with which I work each day.

Thirdly is The Garden Witch, a place to be reborn into health and well-being. Nurtured by the dirt of Mother Earth to recapture vibrant health and energy to follow through on the gifts SHE has given me and the paths SHE wishes me to travel in the last two stages of my life, steps upon which I am just embarking. So many possibilities with my 1/4 acres of the abundance of the Goddess, as always the question, where do I start?

Fourth, but never last, is the Craft that I have developed to call my own brand of Wicca: Crystal Visions Celtic Wicca. Always corralling the experiences of my life into lessons and ideas to share with the learnings of others. I combine traditional Wicca with pan-Celtic mythology (Ireland, Wales, England, Scotland, Brittany, The Isle of Man, and other areas which are heavily influenced by Celtic ideas and mythology) plus Jungian and Campbell-ian psychology and even more mythology as we seek to co-create the living myths of our own lives and learn to flow with the seasons and spirit of our Mother Earth.

These four aspects of my Goddess-self, plus hundreds more, do I claim to create the wholeness that is my life of contemplation and action. As I pass my 55th birthday and head into the second half of my life, I affirm and proclaim my intention of bringing all aspects of my being in line with the energies of the Goddess. SHE who is comprised of all four elements crowned by love and spirit will be my motivation to fire up my life with progress and the recording of this progress by my writing, my classes and my actions. SO MOTE IT BE!! (Harming none...)

Thousand Days by Stevie Nicks

Thousand Days Lyrics